Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

Raise your hand if you are old enough to remember watching "Hee Haw" with your family? That Buck Owens could really play the banjo.

Well, the flu is officially no longer funny. I have lost another 2 pounds, and have written the tag line for my next advertising spot:

SIX pounds in SIX days. The flu! Just like Weight Watchers, only sicker.

Eat your heart out Peggy Olsen.

So I am a little bit better. But see, that's what I've been thinking since around Tuesday afternoon. And then I'll get ambitious and move the pile of dishes in the sink actually into the dishwasher, maybe start a load of clothes, and then BAM, I realize I feel horrible again and I'll take my temperature and it's back up to 102. The kids seemed to fully recover on Tuesday, then on Wednesday they had fevers again and these horrible coughs that sound like Gatlin guns.

Then the toaster stopped working, and I wondered if we weren't experiencing The Seven Plagues: 21st Century Edition.

 Then I was taking trash out into the garage and there was a smell (and my smeller is working at about 5%, which means it was a SMELL). I then remembered the tortoise shell. The Wednesday Just Before The Time of Flu, we had a big adventure, which I will fully describe at some point, because it was a doozy. Anyway, Hudson found a good-sized tortoise shell (about 8 inches long, probably) on this adventure, and he picked it up and carried it on a stick back to the car (and by "back to the car" I mean almost 2 hours later; hence the adventure). Anyway, I realized when we got back to the car that the tortoise shell still had a few bits of decaying tortoise in it, so I stuck it in a gallon Ziplock bag and made sure to take it out of the car when we got home. I put it on a box behind the trash can, fully intending to deal with it in some way in the next couple of days. Then The Time of Flu happened and you can imagine that googling ways to rid tortoise shells of bits of tortoise carcass wasn't really at the top of my list. So a week went by.

 Let's go ahead and number the plagues:
 1. The Plague of The Flu
2. The Plague of the Broken Toaster
3. The Plague of the Smell of Bits of Tortoise Carcass Encased in Plastic for One Week

 I actually spent some of my precious moments of energy dousing the thing with a hose, spraying it with 70% isopropyl, and sticking it atop one of the huge anthills in our backyards where I'm hoping the ants will dispense of the offending bits. I did not google this method. It is the clear genius of Flu Brain.

Speaking of  "Hee Haw", during one of my middle of the night restless fugue states, I was thinking about shows like "Hee Haw" and "The Mandrell Sisters" and "Donny and Marie" and how my whole family would watch them together on our one small television. Things have changed in 30 years.  We do still only have one television in our house, which made me feel a little better. Also, we got rid of our cable last week, which means the only way we can watch it at all is to use an antennae which gets us 4 channels that do this disintegrating screen thing every couple of minutes unless the bunny ears are exactly right. I tried to watch "Downton Abbey" on Sunday night for about 10 minutes, and gave up after an entire conversation between Matthew and Lord Grantham got disintegrated. I just watched for free on PBS.org the next day.

This is a sick kid version of a tent:

 
I woke up at 5 this morning and went to go check on the kids. I discovered Hudson curled up on the bathmat. He was on fire. So I gave him Advil and the husband put him back in bed. Then I went back to bed and woke up with a splitting headache, soaked in sweat, and feverish 2 hours later. Both of these episodes ensured we wouldn't be attending our homeschool co-op today. I did have to go and drop off some things for the science experiment, so I decided I would take these Dayquil gel capsules to give me some relief for the drive in. I have a problem with large pills (my esophagus, it spasms) (my OB has to prescribe chewable prenatal vitamins for me) and I knew this, but decided to try it anyway. Which leads us to our final Plague of the Day:

4. The Plague of the Esophageal Spasm, the Enormous Capsule, and the Orange Juice

Helena was sitting at the table eating a biscuit when this spectacle was taking place and she kept asking, "Mommy, are you frowing up? Mommy are you frowing up in the sink? Mommy that is a funny noise your froat is making! What is that noise?"

To end this tome, I must say that the husband has been heroic all week. He's been sick too, but he has managed to get up very early to work his regular job AND finish a huge extra project AND clean the kitchen from top to bottom three separate times while insisting I rest. That's love.

Musings of a feverish nature

The good news is that the kids have been fever-free all day. The other good news is that the husband was well enough to head back to work this morning. The less wonderful news is that after a night's sleep that was so punctuated by chills, sweats, a bizarre inability to lie still, and dreams so psychedelic I googled "are hallucinations a sign of ibuprofen overdose?" at 3am, I am still running a fever over 101 (even with medicine, though I'm cutting back on the ibuprofen).

The morning went okay, although the kids were sprightly and noisy and actually hungry, which meant I could no longer toss a couple of saltines on a plate and call it breakfast. When I walked out of our bedroom this morning it seemed a little bit like those scenes in war movies just after the village is bombed and the smoke is beginning to clear and the surviving villagers are starting to stumble out to survey the aftermath and destruction. The laundry pile looked like Annapurna (though I am proud to say that after two loads today, it's more like a fourteener) and the general debris was utterly disheartening. At breakfast, one of the kids said, "You really need to clean this table!" It took tremendous self-control to answer with only a withering stare.

 I came up with an idea during my troubled night. I seem to have lost 4 entire pounds during the first 24 hours of this misery. Yes, I am sure it was just dehydration. But I began to wonder if perhaps the flu might want to change its image a bit, and I could be their highly paid spokesperson. Just like Jessica Simpson and Weight Watchers! I was thinking I could do the "shuffle, mumble, moan, HACK! sniffle, sniffle, whimper" bit, then I could slowly turn to look at the camera, and say (in a voice that is several octaves lower than normal. This morning, Helena noted, "Mommy! You sound like a daddy!"):

 Lose FOUR pounds in just 24 hours! I did it. So can you. FLU!

Granted my flannel pj pants, lumpy cardigan, and hair that hasn't been washed in 6 days might not be quite as appealing to the general weight loss market as Jennifer Hudson kicking up her heels in an Italian restaurant.  But who knows?? I did finally deal with the hair today. Although after washing it, I realized I was far too chilled to let it dry by itself (this takes several hours for my mop) and that my arms were far too weak to spend 30 minutes holding the hair dryer aloft. So I ended up drying it very quickly and without using any kind of controlled brushing and now I look a little like Angela Davis: The Early Years, only not nearly as cool.

One last distasteful detail. I discovered today that Helena sometimes puts her used tissues back in the tissue box when she is finished blowing her nose. Isn't that terrific?

Let the kids fall where they may

We have been stricken, all five of us.

The flu. Has landed. It's my first time to have it. Every year when the news reports start scaring everyone into getting the vaccine I always shrug and say, "I've made it 42 years without getting it --I suspect I must have great natural immunity!" Well, the virus has come home to roost. I came up with a little chant to describe my life for the past 72 hours:

Shuffle, mumble, moan, HACK! sniffle, sniffle, whimper. Shuffle, mumble, moan, HACK! sniffle, sniffle, whimper...

Helena was the first to succumb. She seemed fine all day at school, then transformed into a lethargic rag doll during the ride home. Temperature:103.2. Saturday morning, I was fine until my temperature started climbing to 102. The big kids seemed fine until about mid morning, when I noticed they had grown strangely quiet upstairs. Because they had gotten back into their beds and had fevers over 102. Then Harper threw up (in a bowl! Merciful God!) and I suspect she may never be able to eat blueberries again. The rest of Saturday and Sunday is kind of hazy. I know that when I would shuffle, mumble, groan, HACK! sniffle, sniffle, whimper my way to the kitchen to re-medicate (a trip which necessitated several rest stops because I felt so faint) there would be kids strewn across the furniture and on the floor in a worrisome way. Basically, we were re-enacting the "Fever'n Ague" chapter from Little House on the Prairie. 

The husband stayed well until last night, and Helena seems on the upswing today. I have been in bed so much my body aches with it. Last night around 3am, I woke up and started naming the specific bones that were apparently on fire inside my body: scapula (left) COMBUSTION,various skull sutures about to split apart because brain has turned to MOLTEN LAVA and is highly pressurized, left femur appears to have fire instead of marrow, left external otitis will spontaneously combust in 0.6 seconds....it was a pleasant distraction. I believe this is also around the time I discovered the husband was curled up on the floor around the toilet begging very weakly for a cracker.

 The kids have watched more Netflix in the past 48 hours than I was hoping they would watch in their entire childhood. I tried to make them watch the Inauguration this morning and this made them very surly."This is grown-up t.v.!"Helena insisted. "It is not good for your body OR your brain!" Then they insisted on yet another episode of "Timmy Time"--which is, of course, great for both body and brain. Helena studied the president for a minute before noting that he is brown. She then wondered why. I told her that his dad was born in Africa, and that many, but not all, people who live in Africa have brown skin of various shades. I then noted that his mother was from Kansas and had lighter skin. She nodded and then proceeded to ask around 13 time which girl was Malia and which was Sasha. Then I finally caved and let them watch more "Timmy Time."

 I am officially exhausted. I would post a picture but my camera seems to weigh around 200 pounds.

Zero Duck Thirty

Well, the Big Year is going pretty well. An entire squadron of American white pelicans (#8) have taken up temporary residence in a small reservoir near our neighborhood. Then on Saturday, I was watching some birds in a pond (#9 Mallards, #10 Chinese goose) and something disturbing happened.

 A Muskovy (as in from Moscow, even though they actually are not, it turns out. But it makes my tale more interesting) drake appeared to be drowning his mate. He was repeatedly pushing her head under the water for uncomfortably long periods of time. I finally realized it wasn't, in fact, a technique of gleaning information from an enemy combatant. Just a little mating ritual. I got home and googled it. I feel like I should get extra points for #11 (Muskovy duck). I'm also very relieved Robert McCloskey left this detail out of Make Way for Ducklings.

 I have not yet started painting my Big Year birds. I thought I might begin today, but instead I have washed all the sheets, cleaned the bathtubs, swept the kitchen and the bathrooms, and washed the bath rugs. Plus some school work. Granted, two thirds of the kids are still wearing their pajamas at 4:31 pm. Also, Hudson played at least an hour of Mario Brothers on the wii when we finally finished a reading lesson.The good news is, I think I probably burned some calories with all the cleaning. I do think about it. Scrubbing the toilet? Triceps! Scrubbing the tub? Biceps and core!! Putting sheets on the bed? Abdominals and biceps and some quads too, I suspect. I try to do lunges while I vacuum. I also try to smile and not scowl while I am cleaning. I think it helps my attitude a little. This is starting to sound like a workout dvd, is it not? Has it already been done? How to simultaneously clean your house and work out!! Think of all the money you'd save! Ditch the cleaning lady AND the gym membership!! I call trademark.

In some family news, the husband asked me to pick up a Monopoly game at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. We played for a couple of hours when I got home and everyone had a grand time. Hudson owns all of the railroads and is something of a magnate (it's all the Ayn Rand bedtime stories) with over $2,000, even though he only owns one other property. He rolls really high numbers and wants his money counted anew each time he passes GO or accepts payments from the rest of us. The husband is almost bankrupt, though he owns extensive properties. Harper is about to buy her first house. Helena and I acquired Park Place and Boardwalk early on, and just bought our first houses. Keeping Helena from moving the pieces indiscriminately around the board and also handing out our money to the other players is a bit of a trick, but I think it's going pretty well. I never really enjoyed board games as a kid, but I think it's a good thing to cultivate in a family.

We have found a church at last! I am going to attempt to make it to the women's Bible study at FIVE (dark) thirty in the A.M. tomorrow morning. I need to get myself in bed at around 7:45 to make that happen. Here is a picture that has nothing to do with anything except that Helena got a fairy costume from the Grandparents Pate for Christmas and she wears it every day.

What's new.

Well, I certainly did not intend to take such a long break.

 Did anyone know that it takes 18 hours to drive from Houston to Estes Park, Colorado? We have not done it yet, mind you, but I am trying to plan the first annual Our Family Vacation for mid-May, and, as is highly unlike me, I am planning ahead to make sure it actually happens. We may put off Colorado for another couple of years, because of the 18 hours. Does anyone have any closer suggestions for mountains? New Mexico? The other option is the beach. I enjoy the Destin area of Florida and it is at least 6 hours closer than Estes Park. I've found some cute houses to rent in Seaside--any opinions/advice on that??

 We have done some holiday traveling. We spent a few days with the grand folk on both sides. We got to watch my sweet friend Corrie get married.

Her family (she is one of seven kids) were with me when I lived in Hungary and they are dear, dear to me. It was wonderful to see the kids all grown up. Corrie and her twin sister Carmen reminded me that I had taken them to see their first movie in a theatre (they were 16 at the time) which I had forgotten. We saw the Emma Thompson "Sense and Sensibility" in English with Hungarian subtitles.

 I am starting an Informal Big Year because on January 1, I happened to spot a Great Blue Heron coming in for a landing in Angus, Texas, on our way home from Dallas. Since then, I have added a mockingbird (our neighborhood), and a Great Egret (in a ditch just outside our neighborhood). Also a common grackle, a crow, and a mourning dove.It's probably going to be more of a Small Year, but it's something more than nothing. I am also going to try to do watercolors of each of the birds I spot. Lofty goals, have I. We got a children's book about John James Audubon, and a miniature folio of his, and I have been Inspired.

 That's it. Except some pictures. I forgot to post evidence of our yearly "Nutcracker" trip, a generous Christmas gift from Grandmother Pate. I should link to the previous two years so we can marvel at how much these little ladies have grown.